100-year-old Tortoise

What do a 100-year-old tortoise and I have in common? We have the same rate of metabolism! It sucks. For years I have been exercising twice as much as I want and eating half as much as I want and not only am I not losing, but I am gaining weight!!

Something had to be done. So I tried Dr. Oz’s 15 ways to raise your metabolism. These include drinking a giant glass of cold water in the morning, eating eggs, drinking coffee, chewing sugar-free gum, taking a brisk walk, strength training, sipping green tea, garnishing with dill, and snacking on tahini dip. If you’ve never tried it, tahini dip, made from sesame seeds, is what I imagine liquid peanut butter would be like. It raises your metabolism while suppressing your appetite. (I think I know why. Yuck.) I’m trying hard not to snack between meals and to eat all my vegetables too. I really cannot sacrifice chocolate or wine, though I do try to use them in moderation.

In addition, I go to one-hour Zumba classes 2 or 3 times a week, attend a strength-training class, play 18-holes of golf twice a week, and walk every evening. Babysitting my toddler grandson definitely keeps me moving quickly. What more can a 62-year-old woman do?! During the course of a week, a 100-year-old tortoise probably walks 75 feet and chews on his food. He most likely sleeps 16-20 hours a day. It is NOT fair that my metabolism is equal to his.

Don’t get me wrong, I like being calm and relaxed, and I imagine my friend the tortoise does too. I don’t want a crisis to up my metabolism His ideal day is probably a leisurely stroll from bed to food, chomping down some leafy greens, and then napping in the sun for 10 hours. Nothing would please me more than a day spent leisurely painting or reading a good book, or watching mindless HGTV. But no, I get up, get out, and keep moving most of the day. Wait a minute, maybe it is eating the leafy greens that I need to emulate. But this woman cannot live on lettuce alone.

Just send me your weight-loss secrets. Frankly, I’m desperate.