Dragging Their Feet Down the Aisle

If you are now a parent of a twenty-something child, then you probably married in the 1970s when you were in your early twenties. Given the Baby Boomer’s rush to marry, it is sometimes hard to fathom the matrimonial reluctance of Generation X or “twixters” as they have been called. Just recently I overheard a conversation while waiting in line at a women’s clothing store: “No, neither of my daughters got engaged this Christmas. I don’t know what their boyfriends are waiting for.”
In a newspaper article titled “Americans Getting Married Later Than Ever,” the lowest average ages for marriages were in the 1950s: 22.5 for men and 20.1 for women. In the 1970s, the average ages were a little higher. Today the average age is almost 27 years for men and 25 for women. Europeans wait even longer. In Italy, for example, the average age of marriage is 30.5 for men and 27.6 for women.
Why, then, are young people today waiting longer to get married?

Some easy answers may be increasing numbers seeking higher education, social acceptance of unwed couples living together, or the flagging economy. But a harder look reveals more. We cannot overlook the spirit of adventure, a reluctance to grow up, and the independence of young career women today. Finally, a hidden cause may be the fallout from their parents’ generation of hasty marriages. One out of every two of these ends in divorce.

First of all, increasing numbers of young people are going to college. An article in TIME Magazine says that graduating from college today is as prevalent as getting a high school diploma was 30 years ago. In fact, an increase of 53% from the seventies until now decreases the value of a college diploma so much that many decide to attend graduate school. At the same time, it is taking longer to get through college for a variety of reasons. Currently, at a local state college, the 4-year graduation rate is about 40% according to the administration. Cost of college, the importance of co-ops and internships, changing majors, older students graduating, and some majors—like psychology—requiring a master’s degree, add more years to the mix. Some students work on their PhDs well into their thirties. However, even though higher education is a substantial cause for putting off marriage, not all young people attend college.

Today more young people are not only seeking higher education but also living together as couples before marriage. So, a second cause of putting off marriage is society’s acceptance of living together before making a commitment. A law student named Jerry and Marissa, his girlfriend who is a tax accountant, have been living together for three years. Recently, Jerry passed the bar and got a job in a law firm. His parents expected an engagement announcement, but Jerry and Marissa announced a decision to add a second cat to their “family.” However, not all Americans are accepting of pre-marital cohabitation, so this cause does not apply to everyone.

A notable third cause is an adventurous spirit in a generation that watched Road Rules and Real World and x-treme sports ads for Mountain Dew on MTV. Several of my adult friends’ children opted to teach English in Europe, work in ski resorts, or try their luck at acting in LA or New York rather than take a run-of-the-mill job. None of these situations is amenable to settling down to marriage and raising a family. The attitude of wanting to have fun and to try out different jobs before starting a stable career is spreading quickly. Zach Braff, age 29, who wrote, directed, and starred in a film called Garden State, said the following about his generation’s decision to put off marriage: “There’s a new 10 years that people are using to try and find out what kind of life they want to lead. For a lot of people, the weight of all possibilities is overwhelming.”

Along with an adventurous spirit, comes a fourth cause, which is a reluctance to grow up. It is manifested by increasing numbers of young people who still live at home with their parents after graduating from college. In an article titled “Finances Keep Young Adults at Home,” Carrie Teegardin wrote, “Even by the time they reach their early 30s, one in four single adults still lives in their childhood bedroom according to a US Census Bureau report.” Why rush to strike out on your own when your parents are both lenient and generous? This way, a young college graduate can afford those high payments on an expensive car and still enjoy a room of his own with a big screen TV. Yet, not all college graduates are living at home. Many value their independence.

An important cause, number five, is the increasing independence of young women. While our mothers worked only until they married and stayed home to raise the kids, we struggled to have it all: marriage, family, career. Young women today know that married or not, they will have to work. So they want an education and a head start on their careers first. Climbing the corporate ladder is easier when unencumbered by babies. Since half of all marriages end in divorce, women must protect themselves from relying on a husband’s income. According to lawyer Patti S. Spenser in the Intelligencer Journal, “A man is not a financial plan.”

So, it is fear of divorce that brings us to cause number six. With Baby Boomers marrying so young, broken marriages are their legacy. Many of today’s twenty somethings grew up in a home with a single parent because of divorce or in a blended family when two divorced parents remarry. According to an article in the Intelligencer Journal, “While they are slower to tie the knot, Americans are proving faster to unravel it. From 1970 to 1994 the number currently divorced climbed from 4.3 million, or 3% of the adult population, to 17.4 million, or 9%.” Seeing marriage go wrong may have a less obvious influence on young people’s putting off marriage until they are really sure. They may want to take time getting to know a potential spouse before making a long-term commitment.

While divorce does not affect everyone, the economy certainly does. Unless, of course, you are the Bush twins or Paris Hilton, it is very likely that you will need to consider economic factors. This, in fact, is the main reason for temporarily putting off marriage. Along with college comes debt; many graduates have loans for education to pay back. Some even graduate owing thousands in credit card debt. Getting a well paying job is not always easy, and a car is often a necessity for getting to a job. So monthly car payments must be made as well. On top of car and loan payments come rent, utilities, food, clothing, and entertainment. It is increasingly difficult to leave home and live on your own, let alone with a spouse and kids. Therefore, many young people stay in long engagements because they want an established career, a house, and a lavish wedding. Todd and Jen had lived together for a year when Jen became pregnant. To appease their parents, they became engaged. Today, little Ava is two, but her parents have not wed. When questioned, Jen explained, “I have always wanted a big wedding, and we just can’t afford that right now.” Weddings, however, are the least of their worries. Lack of job security, failure of many jobs to provide defined-benefit pensions and health insurance, and the growing trend towards part-time and temporary jobs leave twixters believing that they will never do as well as their parents financially.

So, if your children in their twenties have adventurous spirits, reluctance to grow up, or fear of commitment, don’t be too hard on them. They may be working on their education, becoming independent, or trying out several different fields. But the main cause is one we cannot blame on the younger generation; it is the flagging economy that affects almost everyone. So, if your adult son and daughter move back in with you, charge them room and board and put the money in a savings account for a possible wedding someday in the future. If that doesn’t seem likely to happen, use it to take a nice trip to Hawaii with your significant other.