A Seinfeld Episode

We were going to a St. Patrick’s Day dinner at Carol and Tommy’s at 5pm.  Shortly before we left, Fred called from next door and offered us a ride.  I was reluctant, having made a vow never again to ride in cars driven by men in their 80s based on past bad experiences, but I figured that even Fred couldn’t get in trouble on a two-mile drive. 

When we got to Fred’s car, he and Lou were waiting with the doors open.  Fred was talking loudly into his cell phone apparently giving directions to someone.  We got in the car, and Lou informed us that Fred’s crony Ron was lost trying to get to Carol’s house. 

It soon became apparent from the voice coming through the blue tooth that Ron had gone past Indian Springs where Carol lives and was trying to get back from another direction.  Fred did not know exactly where Ron was, yet he was still trying to help him while driving us to the same place.  Adding to the confusion was the fact that Fred did not know how to get there either. However, this did not stop him from trying to give directions.  Now both men have been to Carol and Tommy’s numerous times, they both live less than two miles from her,  and both need to make only two turns to get there.  God give me strength.

 Fred refused to let Neil take over with the directions and quickly became a very distracted driver, getting in the turn lane where he should not make a turn. “No!”  We said, “This is not the turn!”  But Fred proceeded into the turn with two cars bearing down on us from the opposing line of traffic.  I felt my life flash before my eyes because I was on the side of the car that would be hit.  Luckily, as we yelled “Watch out!”  Fred stopped.

Eventually we got back on the correct route, and with Neil’s help from the back seat, via the blue tooth, Ron got to the guard house at Indian Springs.  Still on his phone, Ron asked, “What’s Carol’s last name?”
“Falkowski!”
“Kowski? How do you spell that?”
“No! FALKOWSKI! Fred answered. “F as in Fred, A as in asshole, L as in Larry…”

By the time we got to the guard house, Ron and his wife had passed through somehow and found Carol and Tommy’s house.  We got there too and also safely home, but never again, I say, never again.