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If you are a first born child like me, you may suffer from the curse of conscientiousness. You may have a similar problem if you are the oldest girl or the only girl in your family. It is also called the “good girl” syndrome. In studies about birth order, it is known that the oldest is confident, determined, organized, a born leader, and eager to please. The oldest child is often held responsible for the younger siblings and may be blamed if they get into trouble or are hurt. It was my job to keep “the boys” out of the kitchen while our mother prepared dinner every night. These responsibility traits are deeply etched into our personalities from a young age, and they are almost impossible to overcome.
As a first born, you learn that people expect a great deal from you. Therefore, it may be hard for you to complain or speak up for yourself because you may perceive it as causing trouble or failing to be perfect. One of my friends used to call me “Miss Perfect” which shocked me. I think of myself as far from perfect. But lately I have realized that I probably suffer from the delusion that I could be perfect if I tried hard enough.
How many times did I drag myself to work when I was sick because “everyone depends on me.” Oh, please! No one is indispensable. I was teaching English. God forbid that there might be a dangling modifier or a split infinitive out there if I didn’t go to work! The truth is that my students would have rejoiced if I took a day off.
Now that I am retired, you’d think I could cut myself some slack. Sometimes I fantasize about getting up in the morning and doing whatever I feel like doing, eating whatever I want, and basically wasting the day with nothing accomplished. I even wrote a poem about it called “What if…for women.” I imagine that there are some people out there who can say, “Oh, we’ll have you over for dinner sometime soon,” and although well-intentioned, they immediately forget they ever said it. Not me! If I say I will do something, then I must do it. If it’s on my calendar, I must go to it. If I make a committment, then I must keep it.
Please, somebody help me!
6 comments:
Hi, Beth. I enjoyed reading your blog on "The Curse of Conscientiousness", and in some ways I can relate. For while you were caring for your younger brothers, I was doing pretty much the same thing just down the street with my sisters. And probably not doing it as well since my baby sister somehow ended up on the garage roof one day while under my "care". Too bad we didn't know each other then. We could have gotten together for play dates, commiserating, laughing, and "networking" before it came into vogue. Ah well, as you always say.... We are too soon oldt, and too late schmardt! xox, Peggy
Oh, Peggy, that is hilarious! I bet your little sisters would have beaten up my brothers and made them cry if they had had a play date. Come to think of it, among the 7 of us, we had 18 younger siblings. That's enough for a pre-school co-op. If we'd known each other then, we could have taken turns caring for the brats while the rest of us strolled down to the drug store for cokes. It's no wonder that we are the strong, take charge, and barely sane women that we are today.
Ahh what you say is probably true! However, my older sister and I were only 17 months apart and I think we ended up sharing the duties and the attempts to be perfect! (There were 3 that came after us!) Of course the real world shot that down!
I hope all is well with you - I have just gotten over a sinus infection during which I dragged myself to school for 2 weeks, being too lazy to write up sub plans! I should have stayed home and watched NCIS - I would have gotten more done!
Take care and enjoy the spring!
Suzy
And, for what it's worth -- I just asked my older sister how she stays so calm about things. She said: if not this year, then next year...
I'm the one running in tiny little circles, and I'm second born. No fair! If you find a slow down button, let me know!
You know, all of the retired women I know are busier now than they were before they retired. I'm not sure what this means, but I'm sure there is some profound meaning about our society in this.
Well, since I'm not working, theoretically everything I do is my choice. Somehow it doesn't always feel that way.
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